Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cross Roads... again...

Hey All,

I know its been a while, but I've been soul searching. The whole economic system is crashing down, and more then a few people I know are currently unemployed and hunting for anything and everything that they can. I have friends going to school to do something important and others who've found what they were looking for and are in a safe and encouraging jobs. Yet I sit at home, cleaning, pondering, watching Roseanne reruns and wishing that my future career would just happen already. Yes I realize that careers don't JUST happen... you have to make them happen... but how? How is it when it feels right to your head, its not right for the economy? Or the other way around.

I've always known I wanted to do something creative and freeing from a regular office job, to be able to create and dream a career and watch it take shape, to work hard and get myself dirty making my dreams happen. Now I feel like I'm ready for this, but there are no jobs, especially fun creative ones, everyone is scared and holding out for a better future... how can I wait and hold out for something better - when I'm ready now? The idea of settling terrifies me... I think "Well I'm young, I've got plenty of time, why not just go and get whatever nice office job you can find for now... and down the road you can tackle this dream of yours?" but then I flash forward in my head and I'm suddenly 45 and working at some stupid office job as a temp and wanting to jump of the golden gate bridge! That kind of job has been slowing breaking me down for years and I know that its in my soul and my hearts best interest to reach for the stars and try and get what I've always wanted.

I feel like I'd be settling, giving up on my dreams and it scares me to think what that might do to me over time, down the road. I guess I'm a wanna-be optimist, thinking that if you want something enough, or believe something better can happen - then it will. Yet everyone I talk to says that I'm being silly and should just get what I can job wise - everyone's unemployed - its not a time to be picky. I've been out of work without looking for just over 2 months now, haven't looked for a job at all and I know I'm losing what motivation I have left on the idea of going back to an office job. I guess there was a part of me that believed that everything would fall into place if I was sure it was what I wanted... but life is never that easy... why would I think it would be this time? Would I want it to be? Isn't the struggle what makes it all worth while?

I have always struggled with "what would I want to do if I could do anything?" I am afraid that I'll commit to something, and find that I hate it once I get there. Or I just think that those types of dreams are silly and I should just have a stable job and start my family and call it my life. Then I remember or rather shout at myself in my head that I wont ever be successful (in my mind) doing that kind of work, it isn't me. I am a super crazy passionate person who loves to do anything creative, but in the world of taxes, and supreme courts and war, is there room for a free spirited art freak?

So after contemplating on it for a while, I came up with furniture refinishing. It seemed like the ideal job for me, its something I have a nature talent for - having refinished a few pieces already with no instruction or guidance, I'm a trial by error kind of girl and so far so good. I know a few people interested in me doing pieces for them, and it seemed like the ideal thing. I have a friend who is a contractor and recently unemployed - I was going to ask him if he wanted to try and start this business with me, start small out of our garages and make peoples dreams come true on wood, just a little elbow grease and polyurethane! lol! I haven't been able to talk to that friend yet, but I have talked to a few other people I know in the business and the results were less then encouraging. Its a hard time to get into something as luxurious as that. People cant pay rent or buy their groceries and I want to ask them to pay me to fix up their grandmas antique dresser? It was a great idea... but again this damn economy screws everything up.

I still want to believe that anything is possible and if I reach for my dreams that things will happen eventually... but then my fear takes over and I start to doubt myself, what if I'm not good enough at anything to ever have a sucessful job? What if I'm never safe enough in my career to have my family? I had always wanted to have my first baby by 25... and my 25th birthday was in December... and as you may have guessed - I'm not pregnant. LOL. I've actually made my peace with that... later is fine... not MUCH later... but a bit later... what scares me is that I don't have a plan. There isn't anything set in stone yet, except I'm married to Ryan the love of my life and we have a nice home. I spend my days cleaning the house, planning dinners and over obsessing about my future and my options, or lack there of.

I'm not really sure the point of this blog except that I had a lot on my mind, and it had been a long time since I wrote - so I thought I'd fill y'all in. I just have to try and stay positive and remember that every step in life has its purpose, every moment leads to the next and everything happens for a reason...

One last thing, when I've spoken to my family about these problems of mine, they have all said the same thing - and its something I've thought of all the while myself. Just wanted that to be clear so I don't get 6 comments telling me the same thing. Ha ha ha! I know I can always get a regular office job, and continue to build my portfolio on furniture redesign on the side... but I just fear that I'll loose my sight on what I want to do, and end up settling - because its easier or because I get pregant or whatever, then I'll never do it. That freaks me out. I know that the fact that that freaks me out says that I'll probably stay focused on it and come back later, but what if I dont? Or worse yet, what if I can't find a regular office job??? Scariness.

Well lets end on a happy note, shall we? I know that aren't a lot of people out there who read my blog, but if you know of anyone in the furniture business here in Sonoma County, CA who might be interested in a hard working, insanely passionate, eager to learn furniture refinisher, you just give them my address or let me know! I'm even willing to work on something else, either office or whatever if the people are genuine, I feel like so many office people are fake and manipulating. I just want to be confortable and be myself, somewhere where I can work hard and continue to grow as a person... and as an artist... whatever form of art that takes.

Let me know and WISH ME LUCK!

Lots of Love,