Wednesday, April 1, 2009

To Ryan, To Life, To Wood! Cheers!

As you probably know - November 19th, 2008 I was let go from my most resent job. Also as you may or may not know - I hated said job, but I did work very hard, and learned a lot of valuable information, as well as met some really amazing people. So I appreciate it for that, but as for how the work and day-to-day life of working there made me feel, it was miserable.

I've always been able to find joy in whatever I was doing, but a lot of the time it was very shallow. When I was let go, of course I was upset, it was right before the holidays and and I had just moved into a new place, which was a huge cost increase for Ryan and I. I decided to set my concerns aside and just enjoy the holidays and figure out this mess when that was over. The holidays FLEW by and then I was faced with a scary realization. I was happier not working, I'd always known this would likely be true, I've always wanted to have time to work on my own stuff, to focus on my goals and dreams. I think most people would appreciate some time to reflect of their goals and past and futures, but for me it was always more then that.

I've had this dream of being a stay at home wife/mother/artist for my whole life. To be able to just be content in life, doing things I love and becoming a better person a long the way for my struggles. So the holidays are over and then I'm faced with an even scarier situation. Ryan gives me his ok to focus on myself for a while, and not look for a job. To be able to work on refinishing furniture and honing my crafts. I was ecstatic at first of course - "what a prospect, how is this possible... omg... its really time to do this... omg ... I'm getting to do what I've always wanted!" I would think to myself. It was all very exciting, yet I soon found myself sitting on the couch watching bad daytime tv and getting just the bare minimum done around the house to try and keep Ryan from yelling at me. See the problem I was having was working on these projects before was - I was scared. I didn't know if anything would come of it, or if I was just wasting time, so I pushed it all away - even though its what I wanted, I pushed it away out of fear. After I exhausted known contacts in the field to see about a job, I felt deflated, so I just did the bare essentials.

Finally he said something, and gave me "tasks of the day" to get done, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house - normal house wife stuff. So I start day-by-day doing what is my new job. I don't get paid of course, but I do get the satisfaction of knowing that when I come home, or when Ryan comes home, our house will be clean and our laundry will be done... plus we wont starve. :P

That went on for a while, I began to go hiking with my girlfriend Jeannette and her dogs TT and Herk, our new puppy Tawny-Roo is full of energy and I needed the excersize as well. That was going really well for a long time too, Tawny and I really looked forward to seeing The Jeannette Clan and they always shared their excitement as well. Last week Jeannette was busy with out of town guests and I took some time off. Worked on some furniture for the first time in a while, spending close attention to the wood what it needed to be refinished. Focusing a bit more on individual tasks I lay out for myself, rather then depending on Ryan to provide them.

Then something amazing happend this week... on Monday - I woke up with a new sense of understanding of what I needed as a person. I litterally jumped out of bed and was just raring to go. I know what your thinking - "So how long did that last - 2 hours, a day?" - strangely enough - I'm still there. I've been kicking serious ass accomplishing things that I really want to do. I know Ryan is taking a great sacrafice to let me explore this side of myself, and if I don't do anything then it will be all for nothing... but if I try and if I really push myself - it could be the greatest sacrafice we've ever made.

Ryan - I want to thank you so much for letting me take time for me, and for understanding the importance, even when I forgot. I love you so much, and you are truely a great man.

In the past 3 days I've come to a place of comfort, of true self and I hope I never forget it.

Thanks for listening,

Love Always,