Cross Roads... again...

Hey All,

I know its been a while, but I've been soul searching. The whole economic system is crashing down, and more then a few people I know are currently unemployed and hunting for anything and everything that they can. I have friends going to school to do something important and others who've found what they were looking for and are in a safe and encouraging jobs. Yet I sit at home, cleaning, pondering, watching Roseanne reruns and wishing that my future career would just happen already. Yes I realize that careers don't JUST happen... you have to make them happen... but how? How is it when it feels right to your head, its not right for the economy? Or the other way around.

I've always known I wanted to do something creative and freeing from a regular office job, to be able to create and dream a career and watch it take shape, to work hard and get myself dirty making my dreams happen. Now I feel like I'm ready for this, but there are no jobs, especially fun creative ones, everyone is scared and holding out for a better future... how can I wait and hold out for something better - when I'm ready now? The idea of settling terrifies me... I think "Well I'm young, I've got plenty of time, why not just go and get whatever nice office job you can find for now... and down the road you can tackle this dream of yours?" but then I flash forward in my head and I'm suddenly 45 and working at some stupid office job as a temp and wanting to jump of the golden gate bridge! That kind of job has been slowing breaking me down for years and I know that its in my soul and my hearts best interest to reach for the stars and try and get what I've always wanted.

I feel like I'd be settling, giving up on my dreams and it scares me to think what that might do to me over time, down the road. I guess I'm a wanna-be optimist, thinking that if you want something enough, or believe something better can happen - then it will. Yet everyone I talk to says that I'm being silly and should just get what I can job wise - everyone's unemployed - its not a time to be picky. I've been out of work without looking for just over 2 months now, haven't looked for a job at all and I know I'm losing what motivation I have left on the idea of going back to an office job. I guess there was a part of me that believed that everything would fall into place if I was sure it was what I wanted... but life is never that easy... why would I think it would be this time? Would I want it to be? Isn't the struggle what makes it all worth while?

I have always struggled with "what would I want to do if I could do anything?" I am afraid that I'll commit to something, and find that I hate it once I get there. Or I just think that those types of dreams are silly and I should just have a stable job and start my family and call it my life. Then I remember or rather shout at myself in my head that I wont ever be successful (in my mind) doing that kind of work, it isn't me. I am a super crazy passionate person who loves to do anything creative, but in the world of taxes, and supreme courts and war, is there room for a free spirited art freak?

So after contemplating on it for a while, I came up with furniture refinishing. It seemed like the ideal job for me, its something I have a nature talent for - having refinished a few pieces already with no instruction or guidance, I'm a trial by error kind of girl and so far so good. I know a few people interested in me doing pieces for them, and it seemed like the ideal thing. I have a friend who is a contractor and recently unemployed - I was going to ask him if he wanted to try and start this business with me, start small out of our garages and make peoples dreams come true on wood, just a little elbow grease and polyurethane! lol! I haven't been able to talk to that friend yet, but I have talked to a few other people I know in the business and the results were less then encouraging. Its a hard time to get into something as luxurious as that. People cant pay rent or buy their groceries and I want to ask them to pay me to fix up their grandmas antique dresser? It was a great idea... but again this damn economy screws everything up.

I still want to believe that anything is possible and if I reach for my dreams that things will happen eventually... but then my fear takes over and I start to doubt myself, what if I'm not good enough at anything to ever have a sucessful job? What if I'm never safe enough in my career to have my family? I had always wanted to have my first baby by 25... and my 25th birthday was in December... and as you may have guessed - I'm not pregnant. LOL. I've actually made my peace with that... later is fine... not MUCH later... but a bit later... what scares me is that I don't have a plan. There isn't anything set in stone yet, except I'm married to Ryan the love of my life and we have a nice home. I spend my days cleaning the house, planning dinners and over obsessing about my future and my options, or lack there of.

I'm not really sure the point of this blog except that I had a lot on my mind, and it had been a long time since I wrote - so I thought I'd fill y'all in. I just have to try and stay positive and remember that every step in life has its purpose, every moment leads to the next and everything happens for a reason...

One last thing, when I've spoken to my family about these problems of mine, they have all said the same thing - and its something I've thought of all the while myself. Just wanted that to be clear so I don't get 6 comments telling me the same thing. Ha ha ha! I know I can always get a regular office job, and continue to build my portfolio on furniture redesign on the side... but I just fear that I'll loose my sight on what I want to do, and end up settling - because its easier or because I get pregant or whatever, then I'll never do it. That freaks me out. I know that the fact that that freaks me out says that I'll probably stay focused on it and come back later, but what if I dont? Or worse yet, what if I can't find a regular office job??? Scariness.

Well lets end on a happy note, shall we? I know that aren't a lot of people out there who read my blog, but if you know of anyone in the furniture business here in Sonoma County, CA who might be interested in a hard working, insanely passionate, eager to learn furniture refinisher, you just give them my address or let me know! I'm even willing to work on something else, either office or whatever if the people are genuine, I feel like so many office people are fake and manipulating. I just want to be confortable and be myself, somewhere where I can work hard and continue to grow as a person... and as an artist... whatever form of art that takes.

Let me know and WISH ME LUCK!

Lots of Love,
Kela

Moving Tomorrow

I don't know why exactly but even though Ryan and I are finally moving into our house tomorrow, I woke up soooo stressed out today. No reason - everything is going sooooo smoothly - everything is set and nothing is going wrong - but for some reason I have this horrific feeling that something will. It's almost like its just going TOO smoothly or something and thats throwing me off. Thought if I wrote everything out it would put my mind at ease.

1.) Set all all the utilities to come on and go off at appropriate houses, on the right days. DONE.
2.) Pack - about 80% done - as good as we can get it until we move some stuff out - living in box land right now.
3.) Deposit - Paid.
4.) Rent due tomorrow - totally have the funds... no worries there.
5.) Anxious to get going... Get to move tomorrow night!

So why am I so anxious and tense... litterally all my muscles in my body are tense and hurty. Yesterday and the day before I've been so sick to my tummy - maybe thats all part of this new found stress too.

I had this dream last night that I had snuck into the new place to show my friend Kim the house... and even though in real life its empty right now - in my dream the landlords lived there with their non-existant daughter. We thought they were gone so we snuck in... then found the daughter asleep on the couch in the living room so we dashed out of there! Then the landlord came running out after us screaming at us "Your moving in tomorrow - why would you rob us?!?!" and I was standing there pleading to him about how it was all a misunderstanding and how much we wanted to live there! Finally he lets it go - but he doesn't think we can afford the place... so him and my mom are teaming up to figure out a payment plan "cause I obviously can't afford it" which is insane cause we can... but dream do weird things right. Finally I scream at them "No - you can put it on my card right now! I can afford to live here!!!" and he and my mom storm off to collect payment. I woke up devistated somehow even though the dream sorta worked out. Talk about stressful, eh?

I know where some of that came from... because the landlords name in my dream wasn't right - his name was the name of the owner of the Bridal Path - which explains some of my anxiety because we bounced a check to them over a year ago... but Ryan and I are completely different people now - much more safe and smart with our funds...

Also yesterday my sister Nicki was worried about Ryan and moving in so soon - deffinitly trying to be helpful and sisterly - but she stressed me out - spouting all these negitives at me, then she had my mom talk to me - although my mom seemed less concerned... she was just playing her part you understand. Then last night my brother tried to loan us money - all covertly - like we were afaid to ask... so I get it - my mind was racing with all these other peoples uncertainties and it got to me... but why don't I feel better knowing this?

I want more then anything for Ryan and I to move into this house... it means so many things for us, a better way of life... a more safe, less stressful way of life... the idea of losing this opportunity seriously makes my heart skip a beat and I loose my breath - I know its unfounded that anything should go wrong... everything has just been so perfect.

I'm sure by 10pm tomorrow - we'll be nessled nicely in our new - slightly chaotic, unpacked home and my fears will be but a fading memory... but right now... I'm anxious.

EVERYONE HOPE THAT TODAY SPEEDS BY UNEVENTFULLY, and SO DOES TOMORROW - I really need it to be 6pm tomorrow right now. LOL!

Wish Us Luck!

Love Always,
Kela

So much to say!

It’s been a really, really, REALLY long time since I’ve blogged – and I feel it was well over due! So much has happened since my last post I am not even sure where to start!

First we have June:
I survived my company's annual convention - a week of fast pace on your feet for 12-15+ hours a day, being friendly, smiling, doing whatever is needed and eating what and when you are told all in a BRIGHT orange polo shirt and a name badge! I deserved a break after that! LOL!

The end of June my mom and I went to the Monterey Bay Blues Festival - and OMG - WHAT FUN!!! Not only did I get to have awesome mom time - but I also tried Gator and some other interesting southern goodies I've never had - which by the way were amazing! I also go to learn about all sorts of fantastic talent I never knew exisited! Such as "The Homemade Jamz Band" - a group of 3 siblings - ranging from 9 years old to 16 - but you'd never guess it by their sound! As if that wasn't all exciting enough - I was privileged to be able to watch the legendary BB King Live and got to go right up to the front of the stage and take pictures! I was shaking so bad the first 5 or so came out blurry - but I finally got this one! It was an amazing trip!

Then in July:
Shortly after the blues festival - I was at a family function 45 minutes north and suddenly I was very sick! After a pretty horrific drive back down 101 to the hospital, 2 hours and many tests later - I was diagnosed with Pancreatitus - the inflammation of the pancreas! Normal levels of what they call "Lypase" (basically the enzymes that the pancreas releases to digest food) is like 24-300 - mine was at 90,000! I spent 6 pretty miserable days in the hospital, IV fluids and ice chips as my only source of food and drink...Ryan and my family/friends were awesome - I had so many visitors and people supporting me - it was really so humbling. Soon my levels went down and I was allowed real food and eventually discharged! It was really all very exciting in a horrible sort of way! I am not on a special low-cholesterol diet and I've lost about 15+ lbs! Trying to stay active and looking forward to a long time away from the hospital!

August was filled with lots of fun outdoor activities - capped off by a fun Labor Day weekend with a beautiful wedding, 2 potlucks and even a water balloon fight!

Ryan's got this great new job now and we are so close to moving I can just taste it! I just want a home you know? A place we can be proud to call our own. We've lived in our unfortunate apartment for long enough! I just keep thinking about our future, Ryan and I in our cute first house (rented - we can't buy yet - but at lease it's a house and not connected to anyone!) with a cute front yard with a path up to the door - maybe even a real front porch! We'll have the space for all our possessions and room to grow... as a family. We have most of everything we need saved - just waiting for the perfect place to become available - wish us luck!!

Thanks for listening,
Kela

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Kela's Bargain Tip: If you are short on cash but need a suit for less then the average $400-600+ shops - try Burlington Coat Factory in Rohnert Park. It's a little scary "ghetto" on the inside but if you make your way to the suit area - you'll find tons of bargains!
Believe it or not - that pic above of Ryan and I - that whole outfit he's wearing was only $130! He looks good too! ;)

Glorious Weekend

Hey!

So I just had a very productive and amazing weekend that I just have to share! So Saturday I woke up with my honey – after sleeping in a little – like 8am -9am – THAT’S LATE FOR ME! LOL! Anyhoo – so we got to the local Big 5 Sporting goods store to go find me either a glove or some tape to cover my old sticky handle of my freebie Tennis Racket I got from a friend with their grandparents pasted away – and ended up finding a really cool new Wilson tennis racket for only $24.99! Totally loved the way it looked and felt, couldn’t wait to try it out! Also got Ryan a backpack so he’d have something to put stuff in on our bike rides, got a great find there too! Like $15-25 and perfect for him!

Then we headed out on a bike ride, didn’t really plan on doing anything specific, just start going down the trails near our house and see where we end up! Well I live near Coddingtown Mall in Santa Rosa, and we ended up going almost all the way to Sebastopol, we went past Willowside Road and then found ourselves at a dead end… there were lots of ways to go we just wanted to see how far in that direction we could go.

So here are some pics… this was about 45-hour into our ride we were riding along this creek the whole time – but stumbled across this picturesque spot with bridges and vineyards down the side:

As we walked around checking out the scene Ryan notices a Mama duck and a whole slew of babies stuck in this fenced area – almost ALL sun… just feet from the creek… she was trying everything she could to find a way out that didn’t involve her leaving her chicks behind… after some thinking we decided to unlatch the latch of the fence, leaving the chain lock – so she could squeeze out… don’t know if she did… but the opportunity was left for her!

Later about 15-20 minutes down the trail we stopped again and found this neat scene:

And a male looking duck quacking down the creek looking for someone – maybe the mama duck and the babies? It’s a whole other world out there… so much fun!

Here is Ryan posing with his sexy new backpack – GERRR! ;)

The we continued on – past Willowside and found this place… unfortunately the pics don’t do it justice, because it was beautiful, luckily for us that it was there because the trail after Willowside to the dead end – was nothing but giant loose rocks and it was a horrific ride… but that one location made the perilous journey worth it!
So we turn around and about 5 miles from home (we ended up going a total of 13 MILES!!) I really started feeling tired – it was a lot of bike riding for a rekindling biker but the sun was beating down on us pretty good! After a little while of tired biking I suddenly see a giant black and white snake – Ryan says it was a King Snake literally like a foot or two ahead of me, and I couldn’t stop in time- I had to run him over!!! I freaked out and threw my legs up so he wouldn’t get me if he tried, I didn’t know what kind of snake he was – he just looked dangerous – after I ran him over – I felt soooo bad. Ryan said he was alive but squished… the way he was laying – all sunbathing and happy I ran him over like 3+ times in a single swoop! Poor dude! We made it back to civilization and stopped by Safeway for a sandwich.

After we were fed and dressed for regular life again, cleaned up – we went to a pet store and picked up two placostomous’s (I’m sure that’s not proper grammar) and went and introduced them to the tank – they couldn’t believe all the food there was to eat in my tank… I decided a while back that cleaning my tank killed my fish… so I stopped cleaning it… it’s FULL of algae – but also very happy fish! The placostomi’s were totally gorging it was hysterical to watch!

Later we went and picked up Josh and had a nice evening of Burgers and Fries from Stony Point Grill and Dr. Who.

Sunday I woke up with a slightly twisted ankle and it was Tennis day! So I took some advil and went anyway… maybe not the best plan – but we had a lovely time and my racket rocks! By the end of the day Ryan had me on couch arrest and I wasn’t allowed to walk anymore – I am a bad patient when it comes to things like that – he all but had to tie me to the couch to keep me off my ankle… but it seemed to work… I’m much better today!

All in all – it was a glorious weekend!
Hope you enjoyed my story and pics!

Much Love,
Kela

Magical Journey

So I've been having some personal problems these days, fears for the future mostly. Haven't been sleeping, been late to work... all this fun jazz.... then last night Ryan and I were doing our regular routine... and suddenly remembered that we both had good bicycles now... so we decide to go outside and test them out. After a few minutes I got the hang of it again - its been a while - and this bike is a bit big for me... even with the seat all the way to the bottom, I can just barely touch my tippy toes to the ground - its good times I tell you! LOL.

Anyhoo- so after about 20 minutes or so driving around in our car port area... we venture onto the street and soon find a path past the last house on the cul-de-sac leading to a trail we'd never noticed before! Ryan and I slipped past the last house, thru a little ravine and voila - we were in beautiful nature... the ghetto neighborhood millions of miles away! We've lived here for close to 4 years and never saw this path before... Ryan and I have vowed to go riding every night we can, keep us in shape and unwind after a long day. We rode around for a good hour, hour or two until it got too dark to be safe... close to 9pm LOL. I ended up sleeping better then I have in ... well a LONG TIME... and woke up on time feeling refreshed! Who would have thought!?

Course I'm eating up time sitting here telling you my story... so I gotta get off to work!

Have a great day EVERYONE!
Much Love,
Kela

P.s - Thanks for reading!

Ode To Red

So long dear friend, its been wonderful journey. I remember the day I first saw Red, he was sitting under a tin roof awning sparkling clean with a feather in his visor. It was love at first sight. I got my license late - at the tender age of 20 and this was to be my first car. The first day I drove him, was the day he first became legally mine, I had gone with my brother to my parents house to pick it up on my lunch break, I worked a town away, and never really practiced driving this fickle stick shift 86 Nissan. As i slowly made it through the gears, my brother watching me in confusion in his rear view mirror, I knew we'd be together a while. I did make it back to work that day, but I apparently locked the steering wheel when I got out, because I couldn't get it to start when I got out of work. First day with the new car - not going so good. Ryan arrived to the rescue gently crushing my ego as with a flick of the wrist, he unlocked the wheel... damn him. Lesson learned - I guess.

I will always remember that truck-style Nissan aroma he had, and the time I accidentally hit the poll blocking the gas pumps. Thank you Red for all the comfortable rides, listening to my favorite music, and for teaching me how to respect a giant machine such as yourself. Thank you for giving me my respect for the manual transmission - automatics are for suckers! ;)

I ideally wanted to send you off in style - being blown up by the gang at Mythbusters, but you my friend are traditional, and dependable - not some wild myth prone vehicle. So as my final so long to you - I say thank you for all you've taught me and for all the great memories. May you keep other vehicles running for many years to come, and live out your days useful, and not sitting in our drive way covered in dust, and Spanish sayings I have yet to translate. A special Thank you to my neighbors for that contribution.

For those of you who do not know - today Red is being Junked.

May He Rest In Peace.

Love Always and Forever,
Kela

My Life Today.

Hey - I haven’t written in a while - well at least not on here. :D I’ve been working a bit on my "novel" - its a work in progress for sure - who knows if I’ll ever be satisfied or done with it... but its been good for me to write again. The story I’m writing is my story, the story of myself from a more insecure time in my life - its strange how something like this can leave you feeling empowered, and yet so vulnerable you don’t know what to do or say. For the most part I feel I’ve changed a lot since those old days of Teenage Angst to the Extreme and have become quite comfortable within my skin, and mind. Other times - I’m less convinced... but the more I realize this - the more I’m almost relieved! Part of who I am is this old girl - I don’t want to loose her, I want to embrace her and learn from her mistakes...

With all that said - my life is an interesting array of miss-match pieces - sorta like a puzzle - with most of the edge done... you can see where its going... but it doesn’t all make sense how all these little pieces are going to come together and work out to that beautiful picture on the box.

My job is good - and I’m thankful for it because of how terrible the job market is these days, however - my heart isn’t in it.. and I’m growing tired of faking it. I’m just going to keep going forward and pushing myself, I cannot deny that I have a great set up. Independence, good pay, benefits, a consistent challenge, great co-workers... but there are definitely some downsides.

Ryan is unemployed again - however he’s getting to take the time to really decide what he wants to do for the rest of his life, and its exciting to be part of this first step of the rest of our lives with him. He is still super baby minded - which just makes me laugh - yeah buddie - we are going to get pregnant while you are unemployed and we are still stuck in the ghetto! HA! What am I on "Cops"?

On the topic of moving out of our ghetto Apt. - the new plan which has been "the plan" before - is to share a 3 bedroom house in a nice neighborhood with Ryan’s buddy Josh. Which I think could be a great solution for all of us - if Ryan and I don’t scare him off. Last night I realized we are the bickering couple that makes people uncomfortable... so I mentioned this to Ryan this morning that if we need to talk about something - we should go in the other room if Josh in here... and Ryan agrees he needs to tone down his hostility when dealing with computers and other malfunctioning electronic deals... which is usually the cause of us bickering.

In other news - my sister Kara from PA (she’s the oldest on my dads side - his first daughter) came to town and it was great to see her - for the 2nd time ever, the last time was like 6+ years ago! She is too cute. My other two sisters, Nicki and Angela have been playing tennis, basketball and running every Sunday for the past few Sundays and plan on keeping it up, that mixed with my Yoga on Tuesday’s - I’m really starting to feel my body reacting positively! It’s a good thing. :D

Last - I am having a strange friend situation - since the wedding - most of my friends have sorta been MIA - I’ve seen Lily 3-4 times since then - the most of any of them - and she lives the most far away! Besides my awesome cousin Rachel, but I don’t expect to see her often - she lives all far away! Its funny though, but with them being gone I’ve found myself more inclined to spend time with other people I may not spend that much time with, the girls from work, family... the girls from work have proven to be quite a lot of fun, and a fun new support system I am enjoying to have around.

Not sure what all this means - just wanted to write and share my thoughts.
Hope you enjoyed!

Much Love,
Kela